Extract: How to Spot a Dickhead

It is a national pastime to point out the dickheads in our society, but how do you spot one? In many cases they are trying hard to hide their dickheadedness. Two acclaimed writers, Kathryn Burnett and Nick Ward have written the How to Spot a Dickhead guide for us.

Extracted from How to Spot a Dickhead, by Kathryn Burnett and Nick Ward, published by Upstart Press. $34.99

The Rise of the Dickhead Dickheads have been with us from the dawn of human existence. When the first bipedal discovered fire, you just know someone was standing behind them waiting to push them into the flames, because, and I quote, “It’s a bit of a laugh. Look, Ogg is laughing.” When the first mammoth was felled and brought back to camp, you can bet someone who wasn’t involved in the hunt was front and centre, claiming full responsibility for the kill or criticising how the spears were used. On a distant, cold evening, while the tribe huddled in the protective cover of their cave, you can be sure Wilma was delighted to tell Betty that she’d seen Betty’s husband rolling about with a hussy from the White Bear Clan. Dickheads have been with us, stirring the pot way before anyone had even figured out how to invent a pot. We’ll delve deeper into the history of dickheads in How to Spot a Dickhead. For now, it’s just important to know they’ve always walked among us, and when the inevitable heat-death of the universe occurs, there will be a sweaty dickhead standing there saying, “The heat death of the Universe isn’t real. It’s a hoax. This is fake news!” However, having said all that, have you noticed a lot more of them around these days? We’ve had the Stone Age, the Iron Age, the Bronze Age and the Golden Age of Television, but are we currently living in the Dickhead Age? Is this their time? Has something emboldened them to emerge, blinking, from the back of the cave and into the bright light of day? Dickheads are suddenly in the spotlight. They are smiling at the camera as they run for president or accept praise for something they had absolutely nothing to do with. They are using bodies honed by expensive personal trainers to sell us a butt-firming lotion that will undoubtedly give us hives. They are actors who have decided to cheer us up by singing a cover of “Imagine” into their phones. On a smaller scale, they are the people who shamelessly cut in front of us in queues. The people who tie up the customer service desk while screaming, “Don’t you know who I am?” They comprise a heady cocktail of human traits consisting of arrogance, self-centeredness, a dash of absurdity and a massive amount of ignorance. Ignorance, it is important to note, is the secret ingredient. A dickhead can’t rise — can’t grow — without ignorance. Maybe this is the Age of Ignorance? After all, ignorance makes the meekest man bold. Who among us hasn’t looked down to see their fly undone or their dress tucked into their underpants? Then, to your horror, you think, how long has it been like that?

Since lunchtime? All day? All week? An overwhelming sense of embarrassment follows. Have you been mindlessly striding around advertising the colour of your undies to everyone? Now imagine this: what if you hadn’t noticed your mistake? What if you refused to listen when some kind soul pointed out that your grubby, ripped undergarments were on display. You just carried on blissfully ignorant, happily showing your shortcomings to the world. This is what it must feel like to be a card-carrying dickhead. Proudly strutting about, unaware that their behaviour makes everyone else point at them and say “Look at that dickhead!” The evidence has always been there, like the yellowed underpants of shame, staring us in the face. The guy who ran into the back of your car and then blames you. It couldn’t have been his fault he was on the phone at the time. Or the woman who spills red wine all over you and then insists that the stain was there when you entered the bar. The child that jumps into the tiger enclosure and then blames the tiger for chewing off their arm. We see these displays of dickheadery every day, and the juice that fuels them is pure, unadulterated ignorance. Ignorance, however, has never worked alone. Its partner in crime has always been stupidity. Together they create a hothouse in which dickheads can flourish. Strong and firm, they push up from the undergrowth, reaching for the light. Left unchallenged, they will soon dominate the environment, giving little light or oxygen to rationality or reason. Before you know it, you’ll find yourself surrounded by dickheads. You’ll soon be unable to move without a dickhead getting in your face. Sadly, in recent years, we have been living on a diet of ignorance and stupidity, and the old saying is true — you are what you eat. Thankfully, you and I, gentle reader, have managed to rise above the rise of the dickhead but that doesn’t mean we’re not exposed to it on a regular basis. Dickheads seem to crave two things: attention and power. Left unchecked, they will dominate their chosen fields. Not because they’re good at their jobs but because they wear the rest of us down. Dickheads are experts at failing upwards. They will reach a position of power before anyone has realised what’s going on. This is why they thrive so well in middle management and politics. Which again brings us back to the question at hand: how have dickheads risen so swiftly over the years? Why didn’t evolution starve them out of existence millions of decades ago? The answer is actually rather straightforward. Dickheads rise because other dickheads help them rise. A lone dickhead can shuffle out of the wilderness and say, “How about every single cellphone has a different charger, and no connecting cable is the same?” He should be ignored, of course, except inevitably someone will say: “Hey, I think this stranger is onto something.” All it takes is two dickheads to agree, and before you know it, an army of dickheads has assembled behind them. This is precisely how tofu was invented: “Hey, this bean curd tastes like sadness. Let’s make more of it!” It’s impossible to ignore the fact that dickheads are on the rise. It’s a phenomenon sweeping through our social landscape like a particularly obnoxious hurricane. This field guide is here to help us document this rise in the futile hope that we can learn something from this pestiferous surge. Which leads us to our final question: Do we use this knowledge to fight the rise of the dickheads, or do we use it to ease our own transition? It’s a sobering thought either way, but the final decision lies with you, gentle reader. Will you join the rise of dickhead, or will you stand against the tide and shout “Not today, you dickheads! Not today!”