Review: Go Hard or Go Home, by Kiri Allan

The persistent ups and downs of Kiri Allan's life leap off the page in her memoir about life before, during, and after her six-year career as a politician.

She recounts her experiences with a directness that is as refreshing and enlightening as it is disturbingly honest. Allan's writing exemplifies what corporate circles might call a courageous conversation: an unflinching engagement with difficult, sensitive, and high-stakes issues. Yet she dispenses with the veneer of mannered politeness that often accompanies such exchanges, choosing instead to be blunt, candid, funny at times, explicit and deeply personal.

While fear is a hallmark of much of her life, Allan does not shrink from it. Instead, it recurs throughout the book like a leitmotif. While some of that fear is dramatic and recounted in detail, it is often the smaller moments that carry the greatest emotional weight. One particularly poignant example comes from her recollection of attending a Young Labour meeting at Parliament:

'It was my first time going inside Parliament and I remember being incredibly daunted by the large building, the massive "rubber door" which we came and went through and the overwhelming sense of awe as we sat in the government’s room for our meetings.'

Another matter Allan places directly before the reader is the racism she encountered at school, in the workplace, and later as an MP. She reflects on how she and other wāhine Māori MPs have been perceived by colleagues, the media, and the public:

'Wāhine Māori are frequently characterised as "too direct", "too assertive", "too challenging". Those same attributes, when exhibited by non-Māori men, are celebrated as strong leadership. Even non-Māori women do not face the same intensity of judgement or penalty for equivalent behaviour.'

This expectation of decorum stands in stark contrast to the behaviour of an unnamed outgoing government department chief executive who lobbied Allan for 'at least half an hour' about future board appointments after his retirement. Lobbying is, in itself, part of the Wellington game. Yet Allan was at the time undergoing cancer treatment and receiving chemotherapy in what was meant to be a therapeutic environment. Even then, this man chose to pursue his own interests. Allan recounts the episode with grace and humour, but some readers may to see it as an illustration of the vulgarity, entitlement, and poor manners that can accompany people with positions of power in the public sector.

Allan is also a romantic, and she writes about her relationships with a candour that is both refreshing and passionate. She lives the title of the book, Go Hard or Go Home, in her love life, revealing a deep desire for an enduring partnership no matter how busy or demanding her career becomes. Of course, as with many people in high-profile positions, public responsibilities and private relationships do not always sit comfortably together, and Allan writes about these tensions without embarrassment or apology.

Allan is equally frank about the Sunday night that opens the book. She details the events in stark terms: 'I was lonely and isolated, on booze and pills, scared to be back at the Beehive'. Unable to find someone to talk to after reaching out to more than 30 people, Allan eventually drove to see a friend who did not have a car and crashed upon arrival. The rest is history: the Minister of Justice was arrested after recording a breath-alcohol level of more than 250 micrograms.

That moment could easily have overshadowed Allan's contribution to Māori advancement and public life. Instead, by placing it at the very beginning of her memoir, she strips it of its power to dominate the narrative. Doing so creates space for the many other stories she wants to tell: stories of racism, Christianity, sexuality, love, activism, life as an MP, studying law, hitchhiking, taking risks, playing sport, and forging an identity in public view.

I'd argue that Go Hard or Go Home is important reading not only for wāhine Māori but for anyone in Aotearoa New Zealand seeking insight into the challenges of navigating public expectations while remaining true to oneself. It is a memoir marked by courage, vulnerability, and resilience, qualities that make Allan's story compelling far beyond the crash brought her to national attention ahead of her other achievements.