Review: The Alternative Commentary Collective Almanack
'If nothing else, the book provides periodic dopamine hits of pure sporting pleasure, as you bathe in the glory of some brilliant sporting memories once more....'
The first thing to say about the Alternative Commentary Collective Almanack is that this isn’t really an almanack in the way that the sadly gone but never forgotten Shell Cricket Almanack of New Zealand was an almanack.
The latter was, first and foremost, a sensible summary of a season of stats delivered in a gentlemanly fashion. Instead, this new book is more a biographical celebration of the chequered past of an unlikely broadcasting phenomenon, the Alternative Commentary Collective - a bunch of reprobates that somehow became a national institution seemingly despite themselves. (Although to be fair, in true Almanack-style the ACC’s effort also features sports scores throughout, even if some of them are made up.)
Basically born from the Beige Brigade, the ACC – a loose group featuring a revolving cast including Jeremy Wells, Leigh Hart, Dai Henwood et al – have unquestionably made massive contributions to the Kiwi sporting lexicon. Nicknames like ‘The Sexy Camel’ (Tim Southee) and ‘Eye Sockets’ (Kieran Read) have now well and truly passed into Kiwi fandom folklore. We also have them to thank for the iconic Kane Williamson-inspired ‘Steady the Ship’ captain’s hats and several other brilliant initiatives that have literally become sports broadcasting game changers.
Helpfully, their rise coincided with some truly golden years in Kiwi sport. From the emphatic 2015 Rugby World Cup win, to numerous Black Caps finals appearances including that glorious World Test Championship triumph (let’s not mention Lords), the ACC have had front-row seats. Often from the boundary, often in a caravan (described on the back cover as ‘an abandoned P lab’).
One of the highlights here is that the book presents a hilarious way to relive some of those amazing moments (especially if you happen to be a cricket tragic). ACC antics are frequently counterbalanced by detailed reminders of great games. So, if nothing else, the book provides periodic dopamine hits of pure sporting pleasure, as you bathe in the glory of some brilliant sporting memories once more.
But as ever with the ACC, sport is only part of the story. They exist to challenge the sacred cows of traditional commentary, and here we get plenty of (intentionally) self-aggrandising first-hand accounts of the history of a sporting side act so funny they sometimes surpass the main event.
A great example of this is when they recount being flown by helicopter to the pitch of Wellington’s Cake Tin during the 2015 Cricket World Cup, even though they were staying two minutes away from the stadium (a move that raised the ire of officials and infamously enraged cricket commentating legend Bryan Waddle).
Other anecdotes outline how at odds with legitimate commentary they really were, like when Leigh Hart memorably recalls not even being let into Eden Park to commentate New Zealand vs Australia in the same 2015 tournament because he was already too drunk.
Unsurprisingly then, this book can be a bit of an unruly shambles at times. But obviously that’s kind of the point.
It’s also way too long. To use the ACC parlance, one joke really is stretched to a punishing degree over its roughly 300 pages. But when the joke’s this funny, who cares? The Alternative Commentary Collective Almanack is always amusing and often brilliant as it skirts that fine line between utter stupidity and total genius.
And it’s published at an apt time, as the Black Caps golden generation dissipates and likewise the ACC’s ‘classic’ lineup shifts too (with Matt Heath recently departing Radio Hauraki for the considerably more grown-up confines of Newstalk ZB). With that in mind, this perfect stocking stuffer is a fitting way to take stock of it all this summer, and foster an even deeper appreciation for what really has been a magical era all round. Reviewed by Chris Long
